…..the youngers…..

So, a while back, I was exploring the whole issue of age, as it relates to women, and relationships in general.  As you likely have heard more than once, I have ‘dated’ younger men for long long time now, and have always felt more appropriately matched with guys who are not only cuter and more fun, but just endowed with more energy, and are in general more flexible and hip.

I know…. Men my age have commented that they “know why you like younger guys”, and well, yes, they are healthier and more virile, more spontaneous in lots of enjoyable ways, but believe it or not that’s not actually the primary reason.  It helps, but the number one reason is…. They challenge me.  They lighten me up, make me laugh, they are Fun…. and frequently very good dancers!  They are just a little ahead of me in some ways, in those ways that the youngers have, so in some ways they are in the lead.  Of course I have my wisdom and experience, and although sometimes that can be a big heavy drag, in general the balances have been great.

Pan down a few years.  Back in 2005-2006, I spent time in Brasil, living with this fellow who I had met in 1987….i know, crazy huh?  At that time, it was the Gold Rush on the coast for Urchins.  People told me Urchin Divers were the wildest most dare devil guys, and so I wanted to meet one.  This one was brought to my house by a friend, and the rest is a book.

Well he was wild, and I was crazy, and somehow it reappeared in my life all these years later, thanks to the internet (there we go again), and off I went to Brasil, some place I had wanted to see for a long long time.  And not Just because of Alcir, who was undeniably The most outrageous, crazy, brilliant, funny and gorgeous wild man, but also because the spirit of those people as expressed in their varied music, as well as Carnaval…have you Ever Really seen Brasilian Carnaval?  It will Melt your Mind….  Brasilians are wild, primal, animal, funny… they dance with abandonment, and live life to its fullest.

Well Brasil just captured my heart and soul.  And so as we frequently do, I created this opportunity to see the place with a native, and hang with this devastating fellow once again.   Lucky for me, he had fallen for me big time too, as the chemistry was instant and insane.

Oh, just the accent, his voice on the phone, and I was on my way.  If you combine the sexy suave of Antonio Banderos with the dark depth of edginess of Benicio del Toro, and throw in some warm and charming Javier Bardem, embellished with that Brasilian accent, which is likely the sexiest language on the planet, well, you have some idea of what I was dealing with.  Really….            It was bad.

So after the two years of back and forth, fortunes on the phone, ups and downs nonstop… did I mention he was bi polar, ADHD with a gigantic IQ, a heavy drinker heading towards alcoholism, with a history of being a Revolutionary in the seventies, sailing around the horn by himself on a 30 ft boat to escape prison, because of his Revolutionary acts, and…. Joining the French Foreign Legion after we’d first met, and parted back in the eighties… no, Really…..

He was a member of the most exclusive group in the Legion,  2nd Regiment, the High Altitude Parachutists…  they drop in so high they wear oxygen masks…. And perform secret ops missions.  He told me once that one of their missions was for his group of six to drop in on Baghdad, and take out someone very high up.  They knew at that moment, exactly where he was, and they got within 200 yards of him…. when the mission was called off.   Who did he almost kill?  Because he would have been the one to finalize… he was known for the perfect shot.  It was Saddam Hussein.  No, Really….  He was very disappointed.

So I digress.  He was bigger than life, completely brilliant and completely mad.  I came home, and since then have not been with anyone.  I just couldn’t do the Alcir thing anymore, as he was a full time job.  Lots of excitement, lots of laughs, and lots of Tsouris.  That’s Yiddish for Trouble.  Unbelievable what he could get himself into.      One night he was out for maybe 12 hours…. This was a regular occurance, his leaving for hours and leaving me locked in at home.  “I’ll be back”  he’d say.  Well, it is Rio, and I have blue eyes and don’t speak Portuguese much.  But, it’s a man’s world there, and they all go to the bars and drink.  A Lot.

So one night at 2 in the morning, he’s scratching at the door, drunk off his ass….. it’s summer, and the barred windows are open, and I yell something angry at him while he’s being winsome and pitiful…all six foot kick ass of him, and whining “noooo…. Baaaby… noooo…. Let me eeeenn….. noooo, reeeeeally…nooo… you don understan….. I got run over by a busss…..  I called him Desi sometimes…..”Luuucyyyyy… i’m Hooooome…”

All I could do was shake my head, starting to laugh because he was sooo funny, let him in of course, and listen while he tells me the whole story … the car broke down…. He borrowed a bike….. and somehow a bus knocked over the bike with him on it and, strattling him, went all the way over him.

He had some bangs and bruises for a week…. the borrowed bike was toast.

This sort of thing happened all the time.  He loved it.  He craved it.   What can you do after the Legion?

Women called him all the time.  Angry Brasilian women can be very scarey….  “Haalllooo?  Eeees Alceeeerrr…”(that rrr has a sound at the end like you’re clearing your throat of phlem… and she did it with angry emphasis)  “…there?“

He used to tell me that I’d Never find anyone like him.  Oh yes, I know, I’d say.

“You’ll be sorry,’  he’d say.  ‘you’ll be just like them, calling me and begging…”

“Never..”  I said.  And I didn’t.  I just said NO, can’t come back, and left.

So what’s this all to do with now?   Well, somehow I want to get back on the train, and can’t.  I have somehow passed over the line here, and younger men, at least so far, seem to have moved on to younger women, not older.

It was funny, but I was enjoying the whole Demi and Ashton thing for a long time….

See?  I’d say to myself.  It Can work…. Susan Sarandon worked it out with Tim Robbins, and it lasted a long time, even had kids.  And there have been others.  How bout how Yoko made John get his shit together?  To all of our benefit… They had at least a 10 year spread.  They each brought something different to the table that the other one needed.   Granted they are the exception, but they do exist.

So now the great Demi and Ashton are history.  And Why?  Look at her… she’s great.  She’s thin and beautiful, ageless, works on herself, bought him acting lessons, and he made her happy…. They laughed a lot, and looked great together…

What happened?  He grew into his own, and then…. The Options hit.  He’s now in his prime, the girls must be Throwing themselves at him, he has this new TV contract, and may actually be taken seriously at last… and I bet he has More Options than he can deal with.

I read an article a while back and it really illustrates the Cultural Bias that has existed, and still exists within our world.  If you top that with what they are calling statistics, well seems that the older men get, they younger they go for…. Their Options increase, and well, lots of women are looking for someone to take care of them, adore them, give them stability after being with crazy young men, and goodness knows there are tons of older guys out there, tossed out of marriages everywhere.

That’s what my Brasilian did.  After years of telling me we were made for eachother, that he would be alone if I left him, that I needed to stay and help him get it together…. What did he do within oh, maybe 3 months?  He got together with a very young, blonde and beautiful Norweigan woman who was part of the crew of the 300 foot ship he was Captaining….. and they left for Norway, where I’m sure she was rich, and certainly madly in love with this most charming, disarming man.  A year later he was writing sad poetry ….. Ah, but I digress once again….

This site I was on for 6 months…. Full of sad and lonely older men.   Those considerably older men were all over me… I really believe men of that generation think that is The Way it’s Supposed to be…. No matter what their condition is in this moment.

I don’t think they Think they are looking for someone to take care of them, but in the end that is how it ends up.  And there were more interesting ones, ones that still looked like they were healthy and interesting fellows, but as I discovered, they weren’t interested in older women, even ones that were still healthy and attractive….like me?  They were looking for younger and younger ones, as time went by for them.  Many of them will start over with new families, and then kick it, and those young wives will be set for life.

One of the statistics noted that these types of marriages didn’t end a lot in divorce…. Well?  Likely that’s because the guy died… and they even noted that near the end of the article that I angrily analyzed.

Unfortunately for these fabulous women in our world, the ones who’ve taken care of themselves, their children and their husbands while they all were growing up… while he tested out his appeal at the office or the club…. While he engrossed himself mindlessly in his work or obsessions… ignoring family, love life and learning to relate…. She was there doing the chick stuff, and possibly even earning money too, as I did for both my marriages…. So what happens when she’s had enough, and kicks his sorry ass out?

Just like Ashton, he moves out, and into Options that he will have til he dies.

Men as they age, get “Distinguished”.  They are more stable, the testosterone is diminishing, they become more tender, full of regret at the things they did and didn’t do while they were busy being boys, and start anew, each decade going for younger and younger girls.

Yes, statistics folks…..

Next time, I’ll share some of those statistics with you, and also what my opinion is of just Why this is.  Ah yes, it’s an interesting world…. Don’t you just Love that word?

 

 

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…. options oh ya….

So where the heck has she been, they ask.  Or at least she hopes they ask…  well, for one thing I was semi coma-ed under the influence of turkey… but you were too, so likely never noticed.  But there are other things I’ve been tending to…

Last time we talked, I was expounding on the virtues of Options.  And I decided that talk was cheap, and actions were what was needed.   For me, options have to do with flow…. and the flow of the month is Cash.  And it’s working!  The universe has provided me with some flow options, and believe me, it feels great!

I’ve been selling things on ebay for other people, and I like it.  I have interesting people to relate with, fun things to look at and learn about,  and interesting cash to play with.  Me Likey.   What has been coming to mind is an old quote from May West.  I once did a sexy song that a friend of mine wrote, and amidst beaded dress and feathers, I was known as May Zest.  Great fun…

Anywayzzzz… on to her quote, her quote aimed at Women:

“In your Teens, you need good parents….  In your Twenties, you need good looks….   In your Thirties you need a good personality….  and in your Forties and beyond, you need Good Hard Cash.”

Now, since that was a long time ago, and we live longer and stay younger, I would like to insert minor changes….  Perhaps in your Thirties, you would need Good Friends…  and then move the Good Personality to the Forties, and leave the Hard Cash to your Fifties and beyond.  But however it plays out, you get the idea.  Women, after a certain age, are much more respected if they have a house and lots of money.  Period.  They can get a young lover, even move him in, and they have Options.

See?  aren’t I clever?  It all leads back to the subject at hand, which not only has to do with Options, but also Women in this culture, and …. here we go…. getting older, age, and the differences between men and women.

More in a bit.  I promise… no really.  Stay warm, and hold on to the light.

….oh, and one more thing:   I Quit that Stupid Dating Site…. more later.              There are lots of stories to come of things I learned while virtually dating.

 

 

…..optional options….

Options are nice.  That is one thing i am striving for in life….

Options…. Give it a capital O yes,……. Options….

You know full well that means money, status, energy flow, focus…..                                        Equals Options………… The Focus should be on top…………

FOCUS…….

Status is just…..power, money, and focus……………. ok……

which is dependent on……….energy level……Energy level……

Energy level just does a little Turn around Dance to……….

…….  HEALTH.

oh yes, it all does indeed come down to that….

Numba One on Da Skale of   TO-DOs…. ToDo’s…..Todooo’s……….

BE HEALTHY……

I did not say Try…… did not say Gonna Work On It…….. did not say Oh Ya,

it’s important… bladeblah……. I said…..

BEEE…. HEALTHY…..NOW………………………..

There is Nothing more important, Nothing that will impact your life more.

……….Love Ya  …. no really………… no………………….really.

Over and Out………..

 

 

…chili makes me hot….

Oh, i love cooking.  Tonite it’s chili, with three beans and tomatoes from the garden.  Get them warming up, add some onions and garlic that have done a little saute-ing to get them ready for the mix.  Now comes 2 kinds of chiles, one low tone, one high tone… get the whole chorus goin.   And did i mention curry, cumin, and More garlic?  Shreds of fresh ginger…. mmmmm….

Right now that’s where it stands, with chunks of mushrooms slowly readying themselves for the big dip into meld-land.  MMMMmmm… and i add a little butter to the olive oil, to ease their transition into agreement with the rest.   They are ever so much happier with butter to make them feel ok about themselves…. oh aren’t we all…!!!

So, while they make yummy noises, and fill the air with expectations, I sit drinking a glass, or two, of this insane wine that does the trick….  GNARLY HEAD Old Vine Zin…. 2009….14.9%…. oh ya…. Highly recommended.

It has been known to inspire cooks and writers….

So… where did i leave off?  The three most hopeful hopefuls, Two with major Jitters in their pants.  They got scared.  So why is this?  I have some theories, but let me start by suggesting that…. they had more Options.

This is something that my oldest daughter and I have been chatting about for a while.  Because i am now an ‘older woman’, with a proclivity for younger men ……………..

Oh, let me take a moment out here to mention that those mushroom chunks just slid effortlessly, and without complaints  i might add,  into the ever growing pot.  Now it simmers quietly……and i pour another glass…..

So now we enter in … to the deeper depths … of Cultural Reality.  Girlfriends, please listen to me, because it doesn’t matter how fabulously exceptional you are, how well endowed you are, or how well you’ve taken care of yourself, and how many times people tell you …. “Oh my god, you can’t be bladeblah..!!”  (meaning age).  The fact is, Still to This Moment, we are fighting a loosing battle with a Cultural Cliche.   The Guy is Always supposed to be Older than the Girl.  Can you believe it?… after all this time and work, still we are squirming and stuggling against that taut line that pulls us in and says…..  Sorry…. too old…..  You might be cool, you might be hip, you might be gorgeous,  healthy and exceptional… unique in a way that ‘they’ will never find in a younger woman. ..but… It’s the facts, mam.

As my daughter tells me…. it’s all about Options.  Men have more options.  And yes, it has to do with those divisive things like Fertility, what other Men might think, Looking Good to the world, and reassuring themselves and others that they aren’t dead yet.

Ok… i’m being harsh here, but I’ll be honest.  When you get down to it, that is the baseline.  We are still living in a Man’s World, and the Rules Still Apply.

Oh, and my Chili is getting so excellent, and believe me i wish there was some guy smart enough to want to share this with me, but since right now my Boy friends consist of my Dog Arlo, my Cat Guava, and my three boys….. Bo (rainbow), Sparky, and Ru (rhubarb), who are all gorgeous Betta fishes, I think i shall just throw in some fresh organic Corn, and a little Shoya……some sage from the garden….  NO!!! Not in the Fish!  Do Not Add into Fishes!…. Into the Fabulous and Bitchin and super yummy Chili that will come to Fruition really soon, and then

I will watch more of Season 4 of “30 Rock”.  Damn, that Tina Girl is my Hero.       I think watching it for hours might have affected my mind… what do you think???  After while Alligators….

 

 

…..the options pileup….

OK… so you’re probably wondering when I’m getting back on track, and talking once again about this internet dating thing.  Well, this week I am tying it all together, and doing some deep meditations on just what the heck has transpired, and just what the heck I want.

For isn’t that the real question here?  What do I want… now, at this time in my life, when looking back, I have had so much love, so many interesting friends and companions, and several deep and lasting connections that put dents in my heart…  what will make Carol happy just now?

I am not sure that hooking up with someone and trying to start all over, is really the answer.  The online search has been interesting (don’t you love that word?) and frustrating, informative and confusing…. any more adjectives we can throw at it?  So let me just lay down a few of the strangenesses I’ve endured in the last, oh say 3 months….

A good time ago, I started emailing with this fellow, who was my age exactly, which if you have been reading my stuff, you know is not my cup of tea.  My experience, which of course allows for many exceptions, is that men my age are frequently stuck, often macho with double standards, and usually haven’t taken real good care of themselves in the health department.  Many are Vets, adding some deep issues, most have had really difficult breakups, on and on.  Some say they’ve never Been married, which is a big fat red flag…

So this one fellow just wouldn’t give up.  He looked very kind and sincere, and at last I consented to meet.  He is a very sweet and caring guy, brought me a rose, paid for lunch at the Thai place (that’s a 2 score, one for pay, one for good taste), and he showed me his Spyder motorcycle.  Cute.  Looks like a Transformer.  So we go on a few dates, rode his spyder, go to a pow wow, which neither of us had seen before.  He’s accomplished, kind, smart, and even winters in Mexico.  So…? they ask…  I just didn’t Feel it.  Nice guy, good vibes, trust, comfort.  But no chemistry for me.  Not the touch, not the kiss, just Not at all.  Friends.  Someone to go to the movies with sometimes.                        He also has major health issues which I will not go into here, and that does contribute to that feeling, or lack thereof, I must admit.  Later on I will reveal some of the reasons for that.   So …that was the best so far, of my meetings with strangers.  He’s in Mexico, and I doubt that I will be invited, because I wasn’t into having sex.  There, I said it.

Next are the two very interesting guys with whom I spent many hours of talking on the phone.  And somehow I really thought the connections were real… all that laughter and agreement.  Both were younger (Yeaaaay), and I did feel that below-the-belt warmth.  Oh Good!  It’s not dead!   Each was somewhat fascinating in his own way.  One was part of a group that deals with metaphysical experiences, and he described some really moving things he’d been through, I was quite taken, and this went on for a month or so.  Since he was Hawaiian (mmmm… brown skin, big guy, gentle, played slack key) we couldn’t easily meet, but there were mentions of mainland visits on business.  So suddenly, or gradually and I just suddenly got it… he began to get strange.  He had revealed so much of himself to me, and asked that I do the same.  He wanted soft spots, weaknesses, vulnerable places, mistakes I’d made in life.  And then, know what?  He started to use them against me.  Really… this is not paranoia.  He got really critical and a little crazy, and finally I broke it off.  Then he de-friended me on Facebook… how old are we?  I was left in the wake of stuff I will never understand, and the only comfort is knowing other people who know him (in this group we are in), who have seen similar strange behaviors.  At least it wasn’t just me….

The other one was more recent, an even better prospect, and again we talked endlessly on the phone…. laughter !  agreement !  thinking in similar ways… and he was a big guy, traveled extensively, worldly and very hip.  Great Laugh, and again, younger.  Feelin it…. oh ya.  Getting excited about meeting him sometime… he wasn’t that far away.  So he says we should meet.  We set the day, and ….. the afternoon before, I get an email.  An email, after dozens of hours on the phone.  It says…. he’d like to see a full picture of me, since I only have head shots on the site.  Well, I call him, and tell him this feels really weird.  Like, we’re meeting Tomorrow… why this today?  The long and short is that he needs to see me fully, and basically won’t come up tomorrow if he doesn’t get the pics.  This is even as I’ve told him that all photos are in storage, and it means I have to go there and move stuff and sort thru stuff to find what he is asking for.  No, no one’s here to take my picture either…

So I do all that, email the pics, and wait.  His email says he likes them, I look great, have style, blahdeblah…. and he’ll call later.  Later…. he sends an email, and says….”blahdeblah, however I feel no need to meet you yet”.  Slam……. and Yet?  why was that thrown in?  And it all just went downhill from there, because me being who I am, I called him and said “what the what?”…. why are you being so weird?  and basically he said it was a Test, and he didn’t like the way I acted and reacted.   A Test??  a TEST?

So here ends this portion of my broadcast.  I will be back with more Tales of the Love Lorn, and by the time I finish, you will understand somewhat, why I am Really Tired of this whole scene.  People are Weird, plain and simple.  I am not immune to the same disease, but believe me folks…. not this weird!

 

 

 

 

…a twig on the tree of life….

You know, i still find myself in the wake of the film “The Tree of Life” .                  I watched it yet again, amidst late hours and food orgies and wine drifts, and still now today i am left in this strange and nebulous thought-system that seems to be, in part, mimicking the imagery of yesterday’s watch.

Before i go any further, let me once again remind you that i LOVE it when you Go To My Site.  ONE….. you get a much better visual of the beauty of words and colors and design.  TWO…. because I LIKE It when i know you have visited my site!!  I Love Feedback my Friends!

This film was Other.  And I like it.  A lot.  Brad Pitt has succeeded in embedding himself into my cosmic brain, and his moment to moment emotings have just left me Breathing and Breathless at the same time.

(He has also invaded my dream sequences, which always tells me there is something there that is timeless, iconic ((i know, i love that word)), and trust me,  it is more than wishful thinking or sexual fantasy)

No… i am no spin minded adoration member…. no… this film really allowed him to share with us what he’s learned.  Fatherhood has been not only beneficial to him…  it has been assimilated, cross referenced, and now has emerged this new being, sprung from the chrysalis of emotional dimensions… his Face in many scenes thoroughly Makes the film.

Some Critiques i have read speak about confusion, as tho linear thought is all that matters.  It doesn’t.  We all need to think on both sides of the brain.

I am once again a fan of the Two of them, Him and Her, for they are some sort of Archetypal reflection of correctness in Priorities.  The most beautiful and talented duo to come along since Liz and Richard  (am i dating myself?  or is film outside of decade dimensions?) I do believe this man has come into his Own, due in some Part to his partnering up with this Woman, this mysterious and somewhat neurotic woman, who also desires to Be the Best She Can, and is a sort of beacon to what is coming, what is Our desire, to what we want to be when all is said and done.

Goddess bless them, and their little family, and their beautiful visions of what Can be… they are well matched, and Are a Shakespearean drama that is being enacted quite Admirably by our Lovely and Iconic players.

So…. that is tonight’s thoughts.  I love this life.  We are privileged, not only to Live it, but to Share it….. how wonderful a Time to be Alive!

 

 

 

 

…the tree of life…

I watched a film last night that is truly one of the more original pieces of work that I have ever seen.   I rented it because it’s the newest Brad Pitt film, and also stars Sean Penn.  Uh… sorta figured it might be good, ya think?

“The Tree of Life”  is nothing short of an Art Film of magnitudinous worth.  Is that a word?  Well it is now.  The screen fills your eyes with ongoing images that are like dreams, memory flashes, thoughts made light in another dimension.   It piles on images, moments of life, collaging feelings and moving snapshots to layer a story.

And it tells a story, but in a way that is unlike anything I’ve ever seen, for it is not chronological, nor is it based on words.  Just Light in Patterns that speak to your mind, imparting emotions, fitting into pieces that eventually create understanding.

Bradd Pitt is one of those actors who just keeps on growing in his choice of parts, and his immersion in them.  In this film, he is touching, graceful, tender, and a complete jerk, rolled into one man who you begin to understand and even forgive.  He is wrenching with the depths he reaches.

Apparently Terrance Malick only made a few movies since the sixties, but this has to be his Masterpiece.  The scope and sweep of it, the unique methods that convey his vision, to my mind are unmatched.

Have I peaked your senses yet? Read about it.  Go see it.  Rent it.  Watch it twice.  Watch it in parts and pieces.  You will not be disappointed.