Journal musings…. January 2006 in Rio
“You have to really Want this, for this to work,” he says,
and the words echo through the convolutions of brain cells,
concentric circles from a center…. created by a leaden heart.
It felt so heavy. All of it. Sad….. Dark.
Confusion had set in, and too much thinking could be dangerous.
Yet to not-think was unthinkable…. Hmmmm.
She’d been given the front veranda upon which to sit, to get
away from him, from the constant TV, and his moods.
….which actually was quite remarkable, amazing really,
and she could view the wandering streets and flashing
cloud storms and island comings amidst the constant breezes
with a sort of detachment that she needed… desperately.
“This is My House”, he would announce to no one in particular,
at no particularly special moment…except
to her I guess, and the dog, and his Mother upstairs,
and to himself most of all.
His stubborn willfulness had served him well at one time,
most of his life more likely. But now it felt like stacks of
concrete pillows, between the two bodies lying side by side.
Was she to be like the desolate dog, if you could call him a dog,
that was allotted two small spaces within which to eat, do his
duties, be quiet and cower.
He addressed him as “Get the Fuck….” as the poor wretch
jumped up, desperate for a touch, for tenderness… and the
man would cringe, because he hated the dog.
It was the most disturbing thing she’d witnessed so far, the
distain he held for this shit eating dog who had so thoroughly
disappointed him and his visions of what a dog should be.
Maybe the dog was just trying to clean up his jail cell,
she thought, maybe he’s really trying to be a good dog…
Was she to be the “other twin”, protruding from his ribs, ever
connected, never her own, never as large or as individuated?
“Be by my side” now had it’s double meaning.
Did he even begin to know how to let anyone in, even one
he claimed to love? Was he even in control of the little door
that swung open and closed, daily…
There’s the light, and wait…. oh, and now it’s gone…
Did the most courageous man she’d ever known cower
at the possibility of real love?
For this was love becoming real, going far beyond the
fantasy he loved so well and could keep in control.
Beyond the heroes in books he’d emulated, the ones
who would run off to fight another dragon.
No pretense holding distance… This was so real it was
palpable, in the air and sifting like dust to the surfaces
of everything he touched in this cell he shared with her.
“I’m going over the Abyss”, he had sighed one morning,
a couple of days ago.
……………..”and do you know Why?”
She looked long and hard at his face, now miserable
with confusion, yet here he was, the little door opening
just a bit once again …
She motioned to herself…. and slowly he nodded,
…. sadly, tenuously, as though for that moment he had
risen out of his automatic self and was viewing it all
with clarity and a mildly puzzled perspective.
“What do I do?” …..
After a moment, her own answer came, as it always had,
since more years than she cared to remember.
“Jump and Trust…. that’s all you can do…….
“OK….”, he nodded, and it was done.