… contact …

on Mar 3, 2015…. Carol writes back….
“hi there… 
You know, i am very happy that you decided to contact me, drunk
as a skunk
or not, and for several reasons:
The possibility of being friends with someone you deeply cared about,
and 
still Do care about, lends such hope and depth to one’s existence. 
It provides for the healing of the wounded and regretful hearts
involved, 
as well as makes wonderful use of the tremendous
investment that was 
made during all those months and years.
I mean, if you were really so attracted to someone in the first place,
and 
put so much time and energy into the relationship,  isn’t it
logical to not 
throw the entire thing away?
I have stayed friends with a couple people with whom i was involved,
and 
it sort of makes sense… duh…. that you might have a few things
in common, 
and a few vantage points to share!  
So as far as I’m concerned, I’m ready to enjoy and share what we can. 
You write with such passion, such conviction, and you do indeed
have 
something to say.  I only wish, as I always have, that you would
someday 
allow me to edit, punctuate and space your thoughts.
If you want readers to share your thoughts, please don’t make them
work so hard… spacing and punctuation really helps phrase things
in more the same way that happens when you speak.
I understand your method… it just pours out…
and you Should write the way it works for you.  But afterwards,
they can be made more palatable to the masses!
I have no illusions… you cannot hurt me anymore.  I allowed myself
to be 
hurt, and after a good amount of time…
……………..much longer than You, I might add…
I was able to move on to the next phases in my life. 
I am over the past, and free of fantasy, longing, confusion and
attachment.
I loved you deeply and for a long time Alcir… and now I do still
love you, 
but from a very different place.  It’s actually a purer
flavor of love.  But 
it will always be there for you.
That’s the way I am… once I really Love 
someone, it never really
goes away.  If it does, then I know it wasn’t really 
love at all,
but a mixture of other feelings and emotions and needs. 
I have always enjoyed your mind… crazy and unique as it is,
you have most 
amazing thought processes, and your life
experiences are incredible…
You have great taste in film, something i have a passion for…
yes, i saw that film long time ago, (“All is Lost”), and thought of
You.  I also was grateful I was not on it with you!  haha!
Your sense of humor is one reason you have survived, and
maintained some sort of perspective in this insane world.
Your drive, your will to live, is admirable, and your joi de vivre is
one thing that drew me to you in the first place.
Also, you were awfully cute at 29….
So… feel free to write me.  We can even talk sometime on Skype…
i will need your Skype number in order to call you, and although
i do have a little credit for foreign calls… one of my best friends
is in the UK… i would prefer your calling me.
Oh ya !    … and you Still owe me for that Metal Detector that
I bought you years ago, on good faith!  What a Rat!
My Skype is ****************
Our timing will be strange… my Skype is only hearable when i am on the
computer, so maybe an email to warn me, so i can open my laptop…
BE Well…….. Stay safe………. and BE Happy!
………………Carol
                    ___________________

 

On Tue, Mar 3, 2015 at 9:26 PM, Carol wrote :

“What an extraordinary day…. Smiling now.”

____________________

…and on Mar 3, 2015,  Alcir returns :

“To You with all my…… you know !
Thanks for being so generous !”

____________________

 

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… the why of it …

So perhaps, dear readers, you might ask….
Why oh why has it taken you so long to write again?

Certainly there are more than one or two reasons,
but more specifically, the pause began when the
memories of Rio were too sad and painful to relive.
After that, I just let it all sit, processing on my own,
letting him go and allowing some of the positives to
resurface on their own.
I knew he had moved to Norway, barely a few months
after I had left Rio….married a native there  and gained
the privilege of living in a country he had idolized since
boyhood, with his readings of the classics, and adoration
of Thor Heyerdahl and his voyages.
Although in my heart I knew it had been too soon after
me, still part of me hoped he was happy, while
wickedly wishing reality would tear it down…
Yes …. sorry…..couldn’t help it.

I remember the last time we’d spoken, then it was only
the phone we had, and it was a couple months after I had
left in 2006.
“Come back”  he called.  “I have a captainship and will
be on 2 weeks, off 2 weeks.  I make good money now, and
we can live in that village by the beach we went to… we
can be happy…”
“No”  I answered.  “You’ll be gone for 2 weeks, and I
know no one.  Then you’ll be drunk for 2 weeks.  I just
can’t come back right now.  Maybe later…but not now”
He flashed red.
“Never mind.  I’ll find another woman.  I have money now,
that’s all I need.  Don’t Ever call me again….
You’ll be begging, like all the rest.”

“oh Alcir……. you don’t mean that,”  jumped from my mouth.
“Yes…. don’t ever call me again”… and he hung up.

I did call…. but only three times.  Each time he wouldn’t
answer, and I’m not sure, but I’m pretty certain that  I left
brief messages…
Like…….. hi…. will you call me please?

He never did, and I had to move on.  He is a very willful man.
He’s had to be.  Remember… he was a beaten and abused child
by both parents, because he was uncontrollable.
Brilliant, beautiful, and ADHD in days where ignorance ruled.
He was a constant embarrassment for them.  Ugly shit.

So … nine years pass, the emails come, we begin Skyping
and sharing like we never had before, and I realize that altho
he writes prolifically, his Countenance, his enthusiastic and
spirited Self on video is so much more compelling… I realize
that his thoughts, his ideas and perspectives would have more
impact in person.  So we begin recording our shares.
Yes, of course he knew, and knows.  And the idea of a new blog
with well edited takes appealed to his ego, and his visions.
He would Love to know he has somehow made an impact on
the world, and been heard for all his perspectives and wisdom.

All this was stopped for a time, because of a certain person
who had it in mind that it was inappropriate for the status of
this particular person, and a bombardment on his emails and
messages began in such earnest, the stress of it all (and having
to leave Norway in the winter storms… another story) put him
in the hospital on several occasions.
He asked that I temporarily put a hold on anything to do with
him on my blog for a time.  And I agreed, out of love for him.

The particular individual mentioned began hounding my
blogs, sometimes there were 50-75-100 hits from Norway.
Searching through ancient writings, this individual obsessed
over things written years ago, and began Writing me.
Obsenities, rantings, name calling… and I published them
briefly, so that I could respond in a firm and dignified manner.
“Get a LIFE” was basically my message.  And once again Alcir
was bombarded with phone calls and rantings….it was crazy.

So……… things have developed and he has now told me that
I may do as I wish, that he Wants the new blog with videos to
be a reality, and that he doesn’t believe in censorship.
NICE!  so there you have all the dirty details of the Whys….
and my Notes From The Love Wars continues!!
May Light and Truth abide.

p.s…See……  “it’s time” … a few postings back…

… where he’s at …

Shortly after I wrote that letter … responding to his approaches…
he wrote me to further explain who and where he was now.
(March 3, 2015 … nearly 9 years after I’d left Brasil.)

“Carol

I did not aged gracefully or for that matter i do not feel that i
deserve to be alive; in especial due to have fulfilled all my dreams;
i do have my sailboat were i am living in and planning to cross the
Northwest passage this summer and become the first brasilian
to do so alone; i was supposed to be happy and distant of the reality
of the world that do crumbles and stagger towards another gigantic
conflict and i am in part responsible for it ; i should had to be more
competent and killed many more iraks in especial from the
intelligence branches that today are the islamic state or isis;

No i am not giving me too much credit, i recognize that actions of
the usa and all other governments involved in the middle east,
afghan and iraq wars since the investments to crush the Soviet
invasion in afghanistan and later after the victory stopped with the
infra-structure build up giving chance to the ignorance of the taliban
to appear and succeed all the way to the twin towers;
Also the corruption and intelligence abandonment of the iraq gave
rise to the excrement’s that we see today with the beheadings and
burning’ s alive;
I, different of those governments assume my responsibility in not
doing enough to stop the madness that did come; I have no post-
traumatic stress disorder ,what I do have is a coherent responsibility
and I do not deny it or try to hide it under the carpet;
I did not watch the movie in question because I was there and do
not need fiction and propaganda in order to know what happened
in combat situations, in especial in the very specific relation that
snipers have with the war scenario due to loneliness and a need
to make god like decisions.

I did look you up again because of my knowledge and regret of what
happened with us when you were in brasil; I do apologize sincerely
for my actions and short comings as a man and as a human being;
I hope that you be well in Point Arena (look in my g+ the video of my
B-Day and see Point Arena in there) and loneliness for me is the best
thing; better alone than in a lousy company) .
I did made my choices and to be alone at this point
is the cherry on the cake .

Again all my best !

Alcir ”  

… it had been nine years …

“I would like to hear your voice again !
My Skype is *********
my Number in Norway is **************
I will call you back at my expense !
I am during something that i want you to be part of it !
PS: Does my accent is so ridiculous or is that the interpretation of
a woman that still in love ? ……………..Alcir”

Thus came the email out of nowhere….
It is dated 2/28/2015
****OK…….. now i’m taking another minute This minute….
It was exactly One Year ago….  how strange is that?
I opened the email slowly in time, heart jumped, mind fuzzy.
Why would he be writing me after soooo long?  was it 2006
the last time i saw him?   He was calling himself Capitao,
something he was very proud of.
I reread it a few times, searching for more information…
Then i wrote back….
“hello Alcir…
How strange to hear from you after all these years.
So do tell me …just what is this ‘something’ that you are doing?
I’m sure you have a few somethings goin on!
Take care……..Carol”
____________________

“Hi Carol
I am sorry to have contacted you….i was drunk and had
received news that a lady friend of mine in the usa had passed;
i did got choked and sad and was somehow concerned about you….
….sorry again…i wish you all the best..but we should stay as
we were till now; there’s too much hurt and revenge in the
memory of the very bad times provoked by my self;
i do sincerely want you to be happy and live a long and
prosperous life.I do promise not to contact you anymore.
Best Regards
Alcir ”
_________________________

My heart jumped…. No!  Wait…. (I think)… one minute here.

And i proceeded to write a note that reached out to someone
willing to be vulnerable and tender,  after so long.
________________________
“hi Alcir… no problem in your reaching out.  I honestly thought 
you wanted to work on your life story or something…
After seeing American Sniper, I actually said aloud to myself..
“his story is much better”… and that was last week.  Funny…
I have no desire for revenge.  I did everything i could, and 
stayed until i knew nothing would change.  You moved on 
quickly, and found a new life, perhaps one that fulfilled all
your boyhood dreams…
Yes, i will allow you to take the responsibility for some very bad
times, but we did have good ones too.  It’s always both… it just
has to be a lot more good than bad to work for me.  And being
denigrated and belittled has never been my style.
But i detect a teeny tiny apology there, and I will take it,
and thank you for it.
My life is happy, I am living in Point Arena again, and enjoy
good health and lots of friends… as well as enjoying a good
helping of alone time.  I have learned to really relish being alone,
and i consider it a sign of maturity and health on my part.
I wish you well too, to live long and prosper as Leonard would say,
and to finally be at peace with all that you have lived and all
that you are… a real handful, but a wonderfully unique individual
with great attributes.
Peace……………………..Carol”
                  _________________________

… it’s been a long time …

It’s been some time since I wrote about my guy friend, and
there are several reasons for this rather long gap…
When I last was recounting our time together, I had just
arrived in Rio for the second visit, to be a lengthy one, and
re-entry was becoming difficult for many reasons.
I stopped mid story, because frankly it was so completely
depressing me, and it was confusing, and draining,  to be
taken back to such an emotional six months stay.

rio at night with christ

Rio has such romance and magic, and particularly for me in
the last 28 years, because of a Brasilian I met waaaay back
in the Eighties…. ah yes, the party decade!
He was diving for Urchins, I was a local, a friend brought him
to dinner, and the rest just unfolded as it did.  Great chemistry,
great romance, excitement, charm and mystery.
Then he vanished, as he used to love to do, and then two years
later, called me from Rio, to tell me that he loved me.
Then more years…. and then finding eachother on the internet,
making plans to meet, a month long visit, crazy mad love,
plans to return….. a painful year, at least for me…. and then
at last an extended stay.  We planned to marry… or at least
be together in a new way.

So there we are… we have some context as to the ‘picking up
where we left off’ part.  But see, there’s a catch… during this
interum, while I put away the turmoil, the ugliness, the long
and terrible confusions of to stay or not to stay…. and trying
hard to figure out this very convoluted man…. a completely
unforseen thing happened.
He emailed me…………..
Yes……. out of the Blue….. and here he is, briefly touching
in, with deep and sincere apologies, and wishes to perhaps
be able to converse.  I soon agreed, and we began what is still
going on today… long and heartfelt conversations via SKYPE,
with the most delightful videos, the most touching shares.
And that was Nine months ago…. hmmm?  rebirth?
He is living on his boat in Norway, soon to throw himself to
the wind, literally and as he is fond of doing.  And so there’s
more stories to tell, videos to enjoy, and a new blog site
in the future.

The true miracle of all of this is…. we have become real friends.
When you are ‘in love’ with someone, you know it will change
and turn into something else…. but to move from all of that
to Being Friends, and sharing things that really mean something…
Well, that my friends is an impossible Wish Granted.